


with every breath you're chasing death

by Sumi



Series: Rin Shepard [2]
Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: 5+1 Things, Character Study, F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-06
Updated: 2018-06-06
Packaged: 2019-05-18 08:23:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14849187
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sumi/pseuds/Sumi
Summary: Shepard has come back from the dead five times, but facing death for the sixth time, she thinks this time it might stick.Five times Shepard dove back into the fray after cheating death, and one time she didn't.





	with every breath you're chasing death

**Author's Note:**

> This story is my entry for the 2018 Mass Effect Big Bang. Huge thank you again to Azzydarling for running the MEBB. I had just as much fun as I did last year!
> 
> The art was created by my art partner lily-girl414 which is oh-so freaking gorgeous. ^_^ Link to art masterpost is [here](https://lily-girl414.deviantart.com/art/With-Every-Death-You-re-Cheating-Death-748313165)!
> 
> Also, a big shout out to the wife who beta'd this year for me again.

1\. There was a time when the name Shepard wasn't synonymous with hero-- or anti-hero depending on who asked. She was just Hyorin Shepard of Mindoir, affectionately known as Rin. The Shepard family owned a small farm along with most of the colony. It was a simple, yet enjoyable life. Rin never craved more.

Rin had fifteen years of this life until everything went to hell in a shit handbasket. There was no warning before it happened. A scream, flash, and blast of gunfire was the only warning they were going to get. She watched her childhood home burn from a distance while laying in a boneless heap on the cold ground from a injury to the head.

Blood started dripping down from the wound,obscuring her vision so she could no longer see what was in front of her. When unconsciousness started calling it was almost a relief. She thought briefly of her parents and two brothers before surrendering to the darkness. Rin knew none of them survived the attack on the farm house.

This was the first time Rin Shepard cheated death. At fifteen, Rin didn't give a fuck about how close she came to dying. The only thing Rin cared about is losing everything in the blink of a mass relay. In Rin’s darker moments, she wished she had died.

They had been a simple farming colony thrust into tragedy thanks to a bunch of Batarian slavers. Rin never thought much about about the Alliance before the attack. Shit, Rin had only been fifteen, and had no idea what she'd do the next morning let alone in the future. A military career was definitely not in the works. It probably never would’ve passed on Rin’s radar if the attack never happened.

Rin’s mind didn’t start to change until after waking up in that military hospital and learning the truth. Captain David Anderson was the one to break the news to her. Rin barely reacted as he spoke, never even crying. She only registered Anderson’s presence after he placed a hand on Rin’s shoulder and gave it a firm squeeze.

“You're a fighter, Shepard. Don't you forget that.”

The old Rin would have responded with something sarcastic, but the pain proved to be to much of a distraction for her muddled brain. Instead, Rin just watched him walk out of the room, leaving her alone with nothing except thoughts she desperately wanted to escape from.

The next three years were a bit of a blur for Rin. When asked to recount those years for some ridiculous biopic they created after the defeat of Saren, Rin just shrugged and said 'I don’t remember anything during that time and I don't want too, either. Get on with the next question already’. She could only vividly recall walking into the Alliance recruitment center on her eighteenth birthday and officially signing up to join. The man was quick to suggest Rin blocked out those painful years due to some psychological issue. An attempt to punch out the interviewer abruptly ended the interview. Unlike Khalisah al-Jilani, this interviewer managed to avoid being hit by an angry Rin Shepard’s fist.

The truth was Rin needed purpose. There wasn’t an ounce of purpose since her family died except for some burning need for revenge. The Alliance provided some of that purpose. If there was any person Rin could see joining the alliance it would be her first younger brother, Jeong Hee, but he was dead. Everyone was. Rin had no one and no sure path for her future. After seeing a half assed recruiting poster, Rin decided it would be good to enlist. It would, at least, get Rin away from her foster family; terrible people who loved touting the fact that they took in one of the few survivors from the attack on Mindoir.

When Rin met Anderson again, it went a hell of a lot better than the first one. Three years had past since the attack on Mindoir and she like to consider it behind her. The moment Anderson looked at Rin, his eyes lit up. Rin realized she must’ve made a bigger impression on him than she realized. 

He gave Rin a half smile, shaking her hand with the same firmness and intensity he had the day Anderson met her in that god forsaken military hospital. “It’s good to see you again, Shepard.”

Looking back, Rin figured this would be the moment her first name ceased to be. During the initial moment, however, Rin didn’t think anything like that. She just shook Anderson’s hand, trying to make a decent impression. Boot camp started in under a week. Rin was more than ready to take the jump. The only thing on Rin’s mind was getting basic training over and done with and seeing where she would be placed in a few weeks or months time.

Rin dove head first into training. It consumed her, which could be said for most of the soldiers hoping to make through the Alliance military boot camp. She saw a bit of Anderson who stopped by to see how the future troops were doing. Rin begrudgingly admitted to herself that she liked the impromptu meetings. It gave Rin what she craved; purpose.

Anderson’s words still rang clearly in her mind, even three years later. She didn’t know whether she agreed with his assessment or not because during those quiet moments when Rin lay in her bunk at night, the last thing she felt was strong. Rin desperately missed her family and the life she had on Mindoir. It may not have been as adrenaline driven as life with the Alliance, but that was Rin’s home.

What Rin would give to have a home again. She was always quick to clamp down on those useless feelings. Everything Rin once held dear was gone. Rin accepted the chances of finding that again were slim to none. It was why she needed to just push forward and realize the past was the past. There was no going back.

~*~

2\. “Shepard,” called Anderson from the doorway of the hospital room Rin was in. His arms were clasped behind his back and he wore a serious expression on his face. “I tried to push off discussions until you were better recovered from your wounds, but the higher ups are adamant in getting a statement from you about Torfan, ASAP.”

It marked the second time Rin Shepard cheated death. Unlike the first time the feeling of devastation was not present.

She was quick to sit up in bed, even managing to find a comfortable position. Rin rolled her uninjured shoulder, the other one dislocated and ending in a fractured wrist. “We need to stop meeting like this, Anderson. Hospital’s are the worst place for an interrogation.”

He sighed, taking residence in the chair right next to Rin’s hospital bed. “I would’ve preferred an office, but here we are.”

“Where should I start, sir?” Rin was only a day out of a temporary coma and already the Alliance wanted an entire report on the Torfan incident. She shouldn’t be surprised. From the second Rin decided what action needed to be taken on Torfan, she knew it would be controversial. It was bound to happen.

Anderson leaned forward, elbows resting on his knees. “The beginning if you please, Shepard.”

The initial plan called for a retaliation for the Skyllian Blitz. Rin saw first hand what these pirates and slavers’ were capable of back Mindoir. Their actions on the colony of Elysium cemented this in Rin’s mind. After a series of assaults, the operation on Torfan was necessary if they wanted to make a dent in these pirate’s attacks on human colonies.

Some of Rin’s unit called for a retreat, but Rin refused, knowing they may not have another chance like this. It was either now or never, and Rin decided to choose now.

“Anderson, we always knew the operation was a risk,” Rin explained, voice hoarse from disuse. “I carried out the orders as I saw fit. We took heavy casualties, but I stand by my decision.”

“The higher ups are going to want more than that, Shepard, but it should be enough to keep them off your back for the time being.”

Rin sighed, slumping back into the less-than-comfortable hospital bed. “Thanks Anderson, for everything.”

He quietly stood and walked back over towards the door before replying. “Get some rest, Shepard. You’re going to need it.”

A wry, tired smirk appeared on her dry, chapped lips. “Is that an order, sir?”

The look in Anderson’s eyes told Rin everything she needed to know. She waited until the footsteps faded out of earshot before finally closing her eyes, ready to try to get some rest. With the clear memory of the screams of her unit and sights of their corpses fresh in her mind, Rin doubted rest would come quickly or easily. If it wasn’t a necessity, Rin would be happy to avoid sleeping completely.

After Rin recovered enough to be released from hospital, she learned that she had earned herself a new nickname; Butcher of Torfan. The nickname came from her commanding officer, Major Kyle Davis. He witnessed the clusterfuck that was Torfan up close and personal. Rin had pushed the comrades to the brink, nearly losing her own life in the process, but she held no regrets.

“It was a means to an end,” Rin began to explain to the higher ups once she was well enough to give a more detailed account of the story. It matched the other survivors stories, giving Rin’s credibility a much needed boost. They may not like the events on Torfan, but it was the truth.

_Dead Batarians littered the Torfan ground. She tore her gaze away from them at the sound of a weapon charging and dove forward. Rin felt her shoulder dislocate the moment she collided with the ground. Gritting her teeth, Rin forced herself to stand._

_Rin ignored the pain in her shoulder as she reached for weapon strapped to the left side of her body with the uninjured hand. She shot a total of three times at her pursuer. They dropped to the ground after one of the bullets went into their upper chest. A flurry of shots and screams rang out from a short distance away, breaking Rin’s short moment of reprieve._

_Rin instantly recognized the voice. It was a member of the crew only a rank below Rin. She forced herself to clamp down on any emotions when the gunfire came her way._

_Now was not the time for mourning._

Captain Anderson snapped Rin out of her unpleasant thoughts with a firm shake of uninjured shoulder.“Shepard, they’ve reached a decision.”

“What’s the verdict, sir? Should I expect to be permanently grounded?” Rin studied Anderson’s face, trying to figure out the answer before he answered her question. He remained stone faced, however, leaving Rin at a loss. She wouldn’t have any chance to prepare now if it was bad news.

He sighed. “The operation on Torfan was ruled a success and your actions, while questionable, were deemed necessary. You’ll be able to continue your Alliance career, Shepard, without this hanging over your head.”

Rin had a clever retort, but kept it to herself. Captain Anderson had always been good to her. He’d stuck his neck out for Rin more times than she could count from the moment he met her in that hospital room almost a decade ago. As a result, Rin bit back the retort and grabbed Anderson’s hand. “Thank you, for everything, Sir. I mean it.” He didn’t deserve anything, but the most utmost respect.

“You’re a hard-ass, but ultimately a good soldier. Remember that.”

She smirked, trying her best to resist the urge to laugh. “Will do, Sir.”

The journey back to her small military-assigned quarters took longer than Rin would have liked. Anderson told her to rest, but even after the door shut behind her, Rin couldn’t think of a way to shed the stress radiating through her entire body. She eventually decided there was nothing else to do except sleep so reluctantly Rin climbed into her small, military issue bed.

After an hour of tossing and turning, Rin finally gave into sleep. 

_Rin reloaded her weapon. The blood from the gash on her forehead came down and obscured some of the vision in her right eye, forcing Rin to hastily wipe it away. She looked over her shoulder, nodding to the rest of the crew members. They all looked as ragged as Rin felt._

_“Ryans take Liu and go down the right path. Alvarez you’re with me.”_

_There was a moment of hesitation followed by a second and then a third. Rin was ready to repeat the order to them when they muttered a barely audible ‘yes, Shepard’. They moved down the hall, eventually fading from Rin’s view completely._

_Rin readied her weapon before shooting a cautious glance in Alvarez’s direction. “Ready to finish this operation, Alvarez?”_

_“Ready as I’ll ever be, ma’am.”_

_“Then let’s go kick some Batarian ass.”_

_She lead Alvarez through the twisting corridors of the building some of the slavers had barricaded themselves in. Rin pushed through the first door, taking down two Batarians. It was the third one she failed to see right away._

_They came around Alvarez, shooting her twice. Rin fired, quickly taking them down. Rin brought out the medi-gel, but by the time she got over to the other soldier, Rin knew it was too late._

_Alvarez was dead._

__

The nightmare lasted a full five hours before the unpleasant memory woke Rin up. She struggled to the edge of the bed, running a hand through her sweat slicked hair. Rin normally sported a buzz cut. Since Torfan, it grew to the point where Rin wanted to just grab a razor and shave it herself. Then again, everything since Torfan was a total and complete fuck fest.

“The Butcher of Torfan seems fitting doesn’t it, Cornealious?” Rin asked, her eyes shifting over to the old, slightly overweight hamster running on his wheel. It squeaked with every turn. The sound may annoy most, but Rin found it to be like a source of comfort. Even in the beginning, Rin was never annoyed by the constant squeaking sound.

Every day the hamster got a little bit older much to Rin’s constant dismay. He’d been with Rin since she decided to join the Alliance. Space Hamsters lived longer than most. However, with Cornealious approaching the seventh year of his life, he was starting to get to the point where most hamsters died. The little guy probably wouldn’t last more than another year; perhaps two if Rin got lucky.

In response to Rin’s statement, Cornealious immediately stopped spinning. He waddled towards the edge of the cage and began sniffing the glass. The action brought a brief smile to Rin’s face that faded when her omni-tool started to beep. Her device alerted Rin to the fact that there were several messages from the media, wanting to get an interview. They started badgering Rin the moment they discovered she was released from the hospital.

Rin had no intention to do a sit-down interview about what took place on Torfan. The press could badger her for as long as they wanted, but Rin refused to change her mind. She would pick up everything and push her way through all the bullshit. It was what Rin did upon waking up after the events that took place on Mindoir.

What other choice did Rin have, anyway? The cage wasn’t big enough for Rin and Cornealious to hide in.

~*~

3\. From the beginning, something seemed off about this mission. She card little little of becoming the First human Spectre. Rin was more interested in figuring out what the hell was going on. Everything went to hell after they finally found the beacon. When the beacon suddenly activated, Rin jerked her attention towards her squadmates. She quickly pushed Kaidan out of the way and the next thing Rin knew she was waking up in the medbay of the Normandy.

Accidentally activating a Prothean beacon certainly was never the plan, but when Rin saw Kaidan in danger, she reacted without even thinking. Kaidan was a part of her crew and as Commander, she would protect him to the best of her ability. Rin just never considered it might result in her death.

The vision the beacon gave Rin made no sense. It nearly killed her but provided little information. It all remained scrambled inside Rin’s head and the more she tried to concentrate on the images the more her head hurt.

“Commander, you were out for fifteen hours,” Dr. Chakwas reminded Rin, hovering close when Rin rested her throbbing head in her hands. “I recommend not pushing yourself any harder than you need to. Forging a connection with that Prothean beacon nearly ended your life so some more rest won’t hurt.”

Rin managed a weak smirk. She always liked Dr. Chakwas. The woman was dedicated, with the right amount of sass to make for an excellent doctor. If anyone were going to chide Rin for pushing herself too hard, she’d want it to be Karin Chakwas. 

“I’m starting to think I’m invincible. This isn’t the first time I’ve survived something that should’ve killed me.”

She sighed. “Commander, I know the situation is dire, but take some time to rest. Doctor’s orders. You won’t be any good to the Alliance if it’s a headache that does you in.”

Rin always felt a mixture of emotions after surviving despite the odds being stacked against her. But she didn’t want to dwell on this and try to figure out ‘why’ she survived. The visions given to Rin by the Prothean beacon meant something. If only the visions Rin could recall vividly in her mind were more than just a flurry of seemingly random images.

“I’ll take the order into consideration, Chakwas.”

“I suppose that’s the best I’ll get from you isn’t it, Shepard?”

Rin smiled, figuring it best not to say anything. The good doctor was trying her best. It wasn’t Chakwas’s fault Rin happened to be the worst patient any medical professional had to treat. To Rin’s credit, she did spend another hour in the medbay before her drive to do anything kicked in. She needed to talk to Anderson and discuss what their next move would be.

On Rin’s way to speak to Anderson, she passed by Joker. He looked at her strangely. She figured this would be a good chance to bring some much needed sarcasm to the entire situation. “Joker, why are you looking at me like I just defied death?”

“Very funny Commander,” Joker muttered. “You know that’s exactly why I’m looking at you with this expression on my face. No disrespect Commander, but it’s super freaking weird.”

Rin still had a pounding in her head, but laughed despite the pain. “Joker, you’re not the only one who thinks that. Believe me.” If anyone could make Rin laugh at a time like this, it would naturally end up being Joker.

“Uh, you okay, Commander? You don’t look so good.”

“Prothean beacons will do that do you.”

Joker let out a huff of laughter “This is why I like staying in my nice, safe cockpit. No chance of running into any dangerous Prothean beacons.”

“Best for the safety of the galaxy if you stay in the cockpit, Joker,” Rin teased.

The energy in the room changed when Rin caught sight of Anderson standing off in the distance. He nodded to her, making Rin straighten up and walk past Joker.

Anderson approached Rin soon as she walked through the door. He remained professional, but Rin could detect some worry in his eyes. “Commander Shepard, Doctor Chakwas gave you the all clear?” he asked, clearly wanting to make sure Shepard hadn’t left despite doctor’s orders saying otherwise.

Rin gave a shrug. “More or less, but given the direness of the situation, I figured the resting could wait until we talked.”

The next few sequences of events seemed to be a precursor for what was to come in the future. Rin spoke to the council, only to have them rebuff her at every turn. They refused to listen to any of Rin’s warnings, claiming that she had no proof. According to the council, Saren wasn’t going rogue and the Reapers were nothing more than a galactic ghost story from the Milky Way. 

By the time the council did figure it out, Rin thought it was pointless because it was a little too late to start believing the claims Rin and the crew of the Normandy made for months now.

When Rin decided to save the Council, it raised eyebrows; especially from some members of her crew. Rin dislike the council immensely, partly blaming them for their own predicament. However, they remained useful to the Milky Way galaxy as a whole. Appointing Captain Anderson as the first human member of the council helped Rin accept the decision she made to save the Council.

It didn’t erase the threat of the Reapers. They still remained, hiding in the darkest parts of the galaxy just waiting to start the new cycle. Rin intended to go to the Council and try to make them understand the Reaper threat could not be ignored. Before they would listen, however, the Council insisted on sending the Rin and her crew on some ridiculous mission involving the geth. Rin immediately wanted to say no, but decided to agree to the assignment anyway.

It was one simple mission. After it was over, Rin would make sure to get back to the real threat.

~*~

4\. It was supposed to be nothing more than a quick mission. After they were finished, Rin and the rest of the crew had some mandatory shore leave to attend too. Normally, Rin despised shore leave, but this time was different. Saren was defeated and the council (reluctantly) saved despite the fact that they refused to believe her warnings about the Reapers.

The unnatural turbulence led Rin to suspect something was up. She fastened her helmet to the Alliance issued suit and rushed down the corridor, Ashley right at her side. Rin tried to convince Ashley to leave her side, but it proved to be more difficult than Rin thought it would be. Not wanting another Torfan under her belt, Rin snapped at Ashley, making sure that no matter what she would obey her Commander’s orders.

Even with the helmet, Rin could easily see the wounded expression on Ashley’s face. Rin quirked a small, barely there smile before rushing off towards the cockpit where Joker certainly still remained. The Normandy’s pilot would go down with this ship if given a choice. There would be no such choice for Joker this time. Rin was going to get him off this ship and into an escape pod even if she had to drag him kicking and screaming. Since it was Joker, he was most likely going to protest very loudly at being forcibly removed from the Normandy.

When Rin found Joker, he was exactly where she thought he’d be. She rushed over to him, grabbing Joker’s arm and yanking him out of the pilot’s seat “Ow, watch the arm!” Joker hissed. His complaints went ignored in favour of getting the two of them to the last escape pod.

Rin shoved Joker inside the moment it was within sight. She moved towards it, but out of the corner of Rin’s eye, she saw something moving towards her. By the time Rin’s brain processed what was going on, she barely had a chance to avoid the ship debris coming her way let alone devise any way to survive this.

It collided with Rin, sending her flying away from the escape pod. Rin vaguely heard Joker shouting out for her before the last escape pod slammed shut and detached itself from the Normandy. Whatever he may have said went unheard. The blow from the ship debris was hard enough to create a thin gap between Rin’s helmet and suit, just small enough to be a problem.

Rin’s gloved hands desperately clutched at the collar to the Alliance issued space suit. She could feel the oxygen leaving her body the longer she was exposed to space. The suffocation soon overtook her, leaving her body floating motionless in space among the debris of the Normandy.

The fourth time Rin cheated death there should’ve been no chance of survival. She had died technically. It was a combination of Liara and Cerberus that brought Rink back from the literally over the brink of death. Rin never should’ve been able to survive being spaced yet here she was.

When Rin first woke up on that hospital bed, the feeling of being suffocated came back full force. She jerked up, gasping for air and clutching for the collar of a suit that wasn’t there. Rin’s eyes darted around the room in a panic, trying desperately to make sense of what the fuck was going on. 

Then a woman’s voice broke the silence weighing heavily in the room. Rin jumped out of the bed and immediately reaching for the clothes folded neatly in a chair a few feet away. The clothes were nothing more than hospital scrubs. They hung loosely off Rin’s frame, making her aware of how much weight she’d lost in the first place. Death would do that to you, of course.

Rin pointedly ignored the weight loss and weakness in her limbs in favour of getting out of this goddamn place with her head in tact. The next few days involved Rin getting stronger, slowly getting used to the new cybernetic implants all over her body. Her weight improved some, as did Rin’s strength, and worst of all memory.

The new captain quarters Cerberus gave Rin included a front row view of space right above the bed. Sometimes, Rin would open her eyes in the middle of the night and think she was back at the moment when the first Normandy was destroyed in the Collector attack. She’d sit up in bed, gasping for air, but no matter how many gulps of it Rin tried to take, she just couldn’t get enough into her lungs.

Leave it to the Illusive Man to do something like this. Rin eventually decided to crash on the large couch in the middle of the room. It was almost as comfortable as the bed and this way Rin didn’t have to look up and see that large window of space staring down at her almost mockingly. She refused to let it stop her. The Collectors needed to be stopped by any means necessary. If they weren’t, humanity would suffer the consequences.

Rin accepted what Cerberus expected of her pretty quickly. She might’ve been the ‘Butcher of Torfan’ and the type to look at the bigger picture, but despite popular opinion Rin did feel empathetic for the humans who were captured so far by the Collectors. Still, Rin had no qualms about telling the Illusive Man to go fuck himself.

Before when cheating death, Rin never felt any joy in surviving. Reuniting with the old Normandy crew proved to slowly change her mind. Joker, Tali, Garrus, Chakwas, and Wrex all reacted with surprise and joy. Then there was Ash who rebuffed any of Rin’s explanations for her association with Cerberus. Still, being on the new Normandy with some old, familiar faces pulled Rin out of that mindset she’d fallen into after Mindoir and Torfan.

Out of all the crew, Rin was most happy to have Garrus back. When that rocket collided with his face, she thought that it was it. However, Rin’s Turian friend and former crew member was one stubborn son-of-a-bitch. Leave it to him to survive such an experience.

“You know Shepard, you’re really not one to talk,” Garrus drawled one day after Rin visited him in the middle of some calibrations. They got to talking, and their duel near-death experience came up. “How many living beings survive what you did two years ago?”

Rin snorted in amusement. “I wouldn’t have if it weren’t for Cerberus, but you survived all on your own, big guy. No two year vegetative while literally being pieced back together for you.”

He stopped his tinkering, mandibles fluttering in amusement as their eyes locked. “I was fixed up on a Cerberus ship using Cerberus technology so let’s just call it a draw, Shepard.”

“Whatever you say, Garrus.” Rin still thought Garrus was the winner of that little contest, but she kept to it herself, walking away while trying to hold back laughter.

The little moments made Rin feel human again. It helped her feel like was more than a lackey for Cerberus, a fact Rin consistently kept denying. Rin always claimed the Illusive Man and Cerberus were working for her and not the other way around. The more times Rin said it to herself, it made it easy enough to believe. 

She knew there was no way any of the crew could fully trust what Cerberus was doing. In time, their true motives would be revealed. Rin hoped not to be blind sighted by them when it happened. The only thing Rin could do was be prepared for whatever fallout would most certainly come about from breaking away from them all together.

Miranda seemed sure of what Cerberus was doing for humanity. Rin respected Miranda immensely, but Cerberus clearly was playing every single one of them. She wished she could figure out the Illusive Man’s game. There was more to rebuilding her than the Illusive Man was letting on. There had to be.

It was easier than Rin thought to avoid thinking about being spaced. She slept on the couch, refusing to set foot near that bed. The few times Rin invited the other crew members up to speak with her, their eyes lingered on the sky light showing the brief expanse of space.

Joker’s exact words were: “That’s fucked up, Commander.”

Rin agreed. She nodded, biting down on her bottom lip to prevent that bitter laugh from escaping. They hadn’t talked about it, but Rin knew Joker harbored guilt over what happened on the original Normandy. Rin knew how Joker was about his ship. He refused to leave it and Rin wouldn’t hold that against him. No matter what the end result had been.

Eventually there came a point when Rin nearly lost it and couldn't no longer hide her inner turmoil She walked along the remains of the Geth ship, the mag boots keeping Rin from floating off into space. Everything seemed fine until one of the loose panels came out from underneath Rin, sending her flying right off the platform.

Rin instantly flashed back to that moment two years ago. Her hands automatically flew to the area where the helmet met the suit. It took Rin a total of three checks to her suit to make sure there were no tears.

The entire crew had a front row seat to her near break down. Rin could distantly hear Garrus and Tali calling her name, wanting to know if she was okay or not. She blinked, taking a few deep breaths before finally being able to answer their questions.

“I'm fine,” Rin ground out through gritted teeth. “I'll just be glad to get on some solid flooring that isn't ready to fall apart.”

Garrus was the first to respond. “You sure you're alright there, Shepard?”

“I'm fine, Garrus. Like I said, just eager to get away from all this open space.”

Out of all the crew members, Garrus knew Rin the best. He probably saw right through her attempts to brush off a panic attack. But, Garrus said nothing more about it as they continued with the mission. For that, Rin was grateful.

When they returned to the Normandy, everyone removed their armor and left. Then it was Rin and Garrus left. She figured he planned it that way, but appreciated the gesture.

“Shepard, if you want to talk you know where to find me,” he murmured, eyes filled with concern.

Rin smirked. “Unless you're in the middle of some calibrations.”

Garrus chuckled. “You’re always free to interrupt me.”

“Well… it is my ship.”

They shared a look before parting. Rin wanted to reach out and accept the help Garrus offered. She'd kept most of what happened to herself, talking only with Kelly. Even then, Rin told Kelly bits and pieces of the experience. Most of it remained unspoken.

Later that evening, Rin found herself sitting on the couch with thoughts reluctantly drifting to the events that took place during the mission. She sighed, fingers drumming on the coffee table until she finally worked up the nerve to contact EDI. It took longer than Rin would’ve liked. In the past she never had these nerves, but with Garrus everything was different.

“EDI, would you ask Garrus to come up to my quarters whenever he gets a chance in-between calibrations?”

“Yes, Commander.”

“Oh and, EDI?”

“Yes, Shepard?”

She grinned. “Make sure you phrase it exactly like that.”

“Understood,” EDI answered without hesitation.

Rin really needed a friend right now. Who better to attend to those needs than Garrus Vakarian: her best friend and person she trusted most in Milky Way? He was loyal to a fault and Rin appreciated that more than Garrus could ever know.

EDI’s voice abruptly interrupted Rin’s train of thought. “He’s on his way up, Commander.”

~*~

5\. The mission to stop the Collectors was a long shot from the very beginning. It didn't matter that Rin worked hard to assemble the right team or prepped the Normandy for travel to the Collector base. All the odds were stacked against them. Still Rin anticipated -hoped- to survive in the end.

Rin had lived through worse. If she could survive being spaced, taking down a Collector base should be no problem. The Council denounced her immediately, refusing to provide them any assistance. This surprised no one. Anderson gave his support quietly, but Rin held no grudge against him for taking that particular position. Humanity needed to be represented by the council and no one was better for that job than David Anderson.

When Rin needed to choose between Udina and Anderson, the choice was obvious. Rin trusted Udina as far as she could throw him. For years, Anderson was always there for her, guiding and helping her through life in the military and in general.

Rin left the Citadel after the meeting with Anderson. Her emotions were a jumbled mess. She was thrilled to see Anderson again, but the Council refusing to yet again believe Rin’s warnings of the Reapers almost pushed her over the edge. By refusing to assist, the Council practically pushed Rin and the Normandy crew to Cerberus. The fallout remained on their shoulders.

Joker met first when she entered the Normandy after the discussion. He opened his mouth, looking like he may have been ready to tell a joke, but then decided against it when he saw expression on Rin’s face.

“Commander, you didn’t kill anyone did you?”

Rin crossed her arms over her chest, brow lifting a bit. “You tell me, Joker. Do I look like I killed someone?”

He blinked. “Uh… I don’t know how to answer that.”

“I believe Commander Shepard is bluffing, Mr. Monroe,” EDI claimed, speaking out without any warning whatsoever. “If someone in the Citadel were murdered by a formally dead Spectre, the Commander would be in C-sec custody.”

Garrus stood behind the cockpit. He must’ve come up once he heard Rin returned from her meeting with the council. “EDI, I used to work for C-sec. By the time they figured out a murder was committed, the Normandy would be long gone. Trust me on this.”

“The point is that I really wanted to ring every one of their necks,” Rin muttered. She almost wished Anderson hadn’t been present at the meeting. Then she might have been able to do something drastic.

Garrus chuckled. “We’ve all been there, Shepard.”

“Commander, would you like me to total the number of death threats made to the Council since its formation?”

This time Rin needed to suppress a laugh. “No, thank you EDI. I prefer to live in suspense.” 

The Council may not have provided support for their endeavour, but Rin liked to think she put a pretty good crew together. A crew Rin was still trying to trust. It was a slow going process. She was just glad she had Garrus to watch her back.

After waking up in the lab and trying to understand what happened in the past two years, Rin’s thoughts immediately went to the crew of the Normandy. Rin didn’t trust easily. Eventually, she grew to trust the old Normandy crew with her life. To think Rin missed out on two entire years was something she didn’t think she’d ever be able to come to terms with.

Reuniting with Ashley proved to be less than fruitful. She accused Rin of siding with Cerberus and refusedto listen to the reasons why Rin agreed to work with them in the first place. Garrus, on the other hand, never questioned her loyalty. He agreed to help Rin take down the Collectors, regardless if Cerberus was behind the plan or not. Rin appreciated it more than he could know. It proved to Rin that Garrus could always be counted on

To think Garrus nearly died from taking a rocket to the face floored Rin. Like Jacob had said, Garrus was a tough son-of-a-bitch who cheated death. Still Rin held the record for cheating death four times. If they all managed to survive this suicide mission, it would bring his total to two and hers to five. It was a contest Rin wished she wasn’t ahead in. Yet she was because of all the circumstances that took place since Mindoir.

Rin didn’t want to think about the what-ifs of the mission. She instead busied herself mostly with preparation and excessive training. One day Rin came close to pushing herself to the brink of exhaustion when the doors slid open to show Garrus on the other side.

“What is it you humans say? Burning the evening fire?”

She stopped the swinging punching bag with her right hand, using the other to attempt to wipe some of the sweat pouring down her face. “It’s burning the midnight oil, actually. Also, I could say the same to you, Garrus. I thought you’d be finishing up with some more calibrations.”

“Now Shepard, who has a better chance at keeping everything running smoothly, me or Cerberus?” Garrus asked, mandibles fluttering in that familiar way that showed he was amused with her words. Rin loved that sight.

“Do you really want me to answer that, Garrus?” Rin teased. Despite the exhaustion she felt at ease. It was almost like being back on the old Normandy. “I’ll take your calibrations any day. It’s just surprising you took a break from them.”

“Shepard, you know you could use a break too.”

Rin sighed, prepared to resume her sparring until every single muscle in her body was screaming for her to stop “Let me guess, the crew drew straws and you ended up getting the short one?”

“I don’t know about drawing straws, Shepard. I volunteered to come down here. No one forced or coerced me.” He took a step forward, eyes watching her movements intensely. With that damn visor of his, Garrus saw all of Rin’s vitals. The exhaustion and results of over exercising too much would be clear as day. “What do you say to taking a break over some terrible ship food and Krogan liquor?”

“Damn, Garrus your getting adventurous with your drinking,” Rin laughed. “Where’d you get the ryncol, though?”

“Wrex gave it as a gift when we were last on Tuchanka. He said I could use it to ‘loosen up a bit’. His words.”

“Sounds like, Wrex. At least you know he meant well-- even if it might kill you.”

Rin knew how deadly the Krogan liquor could be, but she was curious to test her drinking limit with the new cybernetic implants running through her entire body. Previously, Rin had a good tolerance. It took a few drinks for her to get even close to tipsy. Rin wondered if she could beat that record and drink a few more before reaching a drunken state. It seemed like a better way to spend the rest of the day rather then punching out her sorrows. At least if Rin drank her sorrows away, she’d have her crew members around to join in.

“So, what do you say, Shepard?”

“Hold your horses, Vakarian. I’m coming.”

Garrus blinked. “What’s a horse? Is it like this chicken that I’m always hearing everything in the galaxy tastes like?”

She laughed. “I’ll explain on the way, Garrus.”

It was one of those rare moments where Rin let her guard down without fear of repercussions. Had anyone else approached her, Rin’s mind wouldn’t have been changed so easily, but it was different with Garrus asking. Perhaps, it was always that way. Maybe she just didn’t see it. Rin supposed the threat of death looming close could make someone reconsider their priorities and even try to sort them out.

When Rin propositioned Garrus, she never imagined doing it in such an awkward manner with what had to be the worst analogy ever created. She had never been one for romantic notions. Most ‘relationships’ were short lived affairs, fizzling out before they even started. It was different with Garrus. Hell, everything about the entire situation was.

Garrus responded in the most Garrus like way. He showed up to her quarters the night before the suicide mission, drinks, and music in hand it warmed Rin’s heart. She felt a mixture of fear and apprehension about jumping into whatever this was-- especially when such a dangerous mission loomed ahead of them.

Rin turned off the music, gently taking the bottle of alcohol from Garrus’s hands. Their foreheads touched for a moment and Rin felt like everything was all right in the galaxy. The experience was one Rin would certainly remember. She wished they had more time to explore their differences and take their time but EDI predicted a 95% chance of death at the end of this mission so that just wasn’t a possibility. Death was likely

The day the mission came Rin felt as prepared as she was ever going to be. A series of upgrades were given to the Normandy and Rin assembled a pretty damn good crew to fight. She liked to think it worked in their favour. EDI proclaimed it helped lower the death percentage all the way down to 93%. Rin would take it.

She glanced at Garrus, knowing immediately he would be the choice. Making Garrus the leader of the other team made the most sense. The two teams assembled, eventually breaking off once they finally arrived at the Collector Base. No amount of preparation could have prepared Rin for what they faced inside.

She didn’t know if the others heard it too, but Rin clearly heard taunts from one of the Collectors. It burrowed into the back of her mind, lingering the farther they got inside. Rin couldn’t help it, but let her thoughts drift to Sovereign. The Reapers were confident the cycle would repeat, bringing life as they knew it to a sudden end. If they accomplished anything here, Rin hoped it would be enough to buy the Milky Way more time to prepare for the eventual war the Reapers were going to bring.

Rin bought them all some more time by destroying the mass relay. When word got around what Rin needed to do, the ‘Butcher of Torfan’ name would make a strong comeback. Destroying the relay had nothing to do Rin’s past with the Batarians. The Milky Way was going to assume this was the case anyway. 

In the end, all these thoughts meant nothing if they died while trying to take down the Collectors.

Joker said it best when it became apparent they actually would survive. “Uh, holy shit. Are we alive or is this some version of hell?”

“Mr. Monroe, I can confidently say everyone aboard the ship is injured, but alive,” EDI responded, giving Rin a much needed jolt out of her shocked state over their surprising survival.

Rin shucked off her damaged helmet and armor before collapsing onto a bench already occupied by Garrus. “How you doing there big guy?”

“I should ask you the same thing, Shepard.” Garrus’s subvocals held strong pings of exhaustion. “Honestly, surprised we all came out of this in one piece.”

“Ditto, Garrus.”

In the next few days, Rin knew she needed to turn herself over to the Alliance. There was no getting around it. This marked the fifth time Rin cheated death and while she was happy to have survived the mission, it almost would’ve been easier if Rin died back there on the Collector base.

Rin glanced over at Garrus who was watching her carefully. “Garrus, I’m alive. We’re all alive. Let’s focus on that before getting to any of the heavy shit.”

Whatever Garrus was going to say was cut off by Jack shouting and saying they should break out the booze. Rin stood, ready to jump at the request. It provided a distraction Rin desperately needed. She knew Garrus saw through it all, but for now she didn’t care.

~*~

6\. Rin knew she wasn’t going to make it the when she bid goodbye to Garrus and the rest of the Normandy crew. The odds were always stacked against them. Rin had managed to get the Turians and Krogans to work together, along with the Geth and Quarians so, for a moment, it seemed anything was possible.

She never had been the pillar of optimism, but always tried to be realistic about the Reaper war. Rin kept fighting, even if things looked bad because it was always better to try and fail. The one glimmer of hope was when Admiral Hackett came across the comm to say the Crucible had finally managed to join with the Catalyst.

When it was nearly all over Rin lay in the ruins of the Citadel with a severely injured with an equally injured Captain Anderson by her side. It seemed like a fitting end to her life. The man had always been there, pulling Rin up when she was down. Even now he was doing it with his last dying breath.

“You did good, child,” he murmured, managing to lift up a blood covered hand and weakly give Rin’s shoulder a squeeze.

Rin laughed despite the pain radiating through her entire body. “The same goes for you, Anderson.”

He smiled back, eyes slowly beginning to droop. Rin turned her head, squeezing her eyes closed. She wanted to remember Anderson alive and not dead and lifeless.

“Commander Shepard, come in. There’s something wrong with the Crucible.”

Instantly, Rin staggered to her feet. She held one arm against her stomach while the other fumbled for the comm. “W...what is it you need me to do?”

Rin’s pain addled brain could barely believe what happened next. She decided to play along if it meant a chance of getting the Crucible working. After the AI spewed off all these choices, Rin knew absolutely she wouldn’t be surviving this. Instead of anger, Rin felt a sense of calm. She had expected to not come out of this alive and Rin accepted that fact.

The three choices were all laid out before her. Still, the moment the AI explained the destroy option, Rin decided that was what she would choose. She thought of EDI who had helped them out of tough situations more times than Rin could count. Sacrificing EDI caused Rin’s stomach to churn. In the end, it had to be done if it meant destroying the Reapers entirely.

When the decision was made, Rin slid down the wall. She closed her eyes, waiting for the pain and exhaustion to finally stop. Rin prepared herself for the fact that she was most definitely going to die. A part of Rin almost welcomed it. 

What happened next had to be some sort of cosmic joke from the Milky Way itself. Somehow, Rin opened her eyes and found that she looked to be in some sort of hospital. She blinked a few times, thinking it was some sort of hallucination, but the longer Rin remained awake, the more she realized the image wasn’t fading. It was getting stronger.

Rin started to laugh, only to stop halfway through when her entire body began to protest at the action as if it were incapable of making the sound for the time being. The one time Rin accepted the fact that death was an inevitably, she still managed to cheat it. She remembered sitting down on the crumbling floor of the Citadel, patiently waiting for unconsciousness to take her. It was the last thing Rin could recall before waking up in this hospital room.

Blearly, Rin looked around, trying to find anyone who could explain to her what the fuck was going on. It seemed like hours until she finally heard the sound of doors opening She forced her eyes open, clawing back to consciousness in an effort to alert the individual in the room she was awake.

When the person realized Rin’s eyes were open and focused on them, they dropped the tray they were holding. It clattered loudly onto the floor, spilling the items it over. The sound failed to faze the person. They remained in a state of shock for a full five minutes until seemingly snapping themselves out of it. Rin finally let herself give back into the exhaustion once the person fled the room, calling for assistance.

The next few days blurred together for Rin. She remained in a state between consciousness and unconsciousness. Sleep was preferred because then Rin could focus on something other than the intense pain running through every part of her body. What happened after the Crucible was activated and the full detail of Rin’s injuries went unknown. If not for the constant sleeping and the tube down her throat, Rin would’ve demanded answers. Given all Rin did for Milky Way, she figured she was entitled to all that information.

Eventually the day came when Rin was deemed well enough to get the information she needed and desperately wanted. Weeks had passed since the Crucible achieved the impossible; ending the Reaper War. It not only destroyed the Reapers, but also caused the Mass Relays to become unusable. 

The choice Rin had made came to fruition. She cared little about this fact, instead concerned about the her crew. Everyone aboard the Normandy remained missing as of the day of the final push on London. Hearing the news filled Rin with a sense of dread. Sending the Normandy away was supposed to keep them out of danger. They should be safe and sound, not labelled missing in action.

Ruminating about the information would get Rin nowhere so she pressed on, intending to get more answers to her many questions. “And me?” Rin rasped, voice hoarse from disuse. “How the hell did I get here?”

“We… found you among the rubble, Commander.”

Rin blinked slowly, brain attempting to digest the unbelievable information. “And what about the injuries I sustained?”

The injuries were explained, cataloged in Rin’s mind from minor to severe. On the lower end, Rin suffered burns where her armor literally melded into her skin while the most serious injury caused her right leg to be amputated from the knee down. She took the news in stride, trying to digest it all as best she could.

Rin’s cybernetic implants had worked at their full intensity, doing the best they could. So many injuries littered her body that they just couldn’t keep up with the healing. It reduced Rin to such a weakened state that even speaking brought on waves of exhaustion. No one would ever imagine the great Commander Shepard could be defeated by something as simple as words. Of course, the general public had no clue she survived. As far as they knew, Commander Rin Shepard had died that day in London while trying to take down the Reapers.

In true Shepard fashion, Rin pushed herself too hard with trying to recover from her injuries. She thought of the missing Normandy crew, unable to to stop herself from thinking of the worst. When Rin bid goodbye to Garrus, she thought that would be the last time they would ever see one another. Rin only imagined what he was thinking, what the entire crew was thinking. Their last image was of her running off towards the beam. It devastated Rin that the crew thought she might be dead.

When the time came for Rin to explain what exactly happened on the Citadel, she gave a curt explanation. She left out the AI taking the form of the boy Rin saw die and the choices it presented her. If they didn’t believe Rin’s multiple warnings about the Reapers until it was too late, the chances of them believing Rin now were slim.

Discussing Anderson’s death nearly brought Rin to tears. She blinked them back, hating the fact that she was so easily brought to tears at the mere mention of Captain Anderson. He was a good man and would be missed. What Rin needed was some good news. Lying here in this hospital bed day after day, week after week, gave her time to mull over everything and Rin hated mulling.

One afternoon when Admiral Hackett walked into the room with no prior warning. Rin’s heart jumped into her throat, stomach tightening into knots for the inevitable explanation of his sudden arrival. “Admiral Hackett,” Rin muttered, eyes watching him carefully. “To what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?”

“We have news on the Normandy, Commander.”

She swallowed the nervous lump in her throat. “What is it?”

“They’re alive Commander and on their way home,” Admiral explained much to Rin’s amazement.

It was the news Rin hoped to hear, but never thought she would. She remained convinced the Normandy crew was dead if not lost forever. The fact that they were alive filled Rin with a mixture of shock and joy.

“How long until they arrive back to Earth?” Rin asked while simultaneously blinking back tears that threatened to fall at any moment.

Admiral Hackett met Rin’s eyes, a softened expression on his face. It wasn't a look Rin often associated with Hackett. “If their messages are correct then they'll be here in approximately three days, Commander.”

Rin wanted to ask for details, but she decided to save those questions for later. It didn't matter what happened, only that they were finally back in this part of the Milky Way where they belonged. “Since you're here Admiral, I'd like to put in a formal request to be notified the second Normandy enters the system. As their Commander, I’d like to formally greet them if we are able to establish a comm link.”

He nodded. “Request granted, Shepard.”

“Thank you, Admiral.”

After Admiral Hackett left, Rin settled back down in bed. Pain surged through her right leg, which was nothing more than phantom pain. She still wasn't used to it, even after all these weeks. Rin thought little of the injuries sustained when she was buried underneath all the rubble. It made Rin feel less like Commander Shepard and more like a ghost of her former self.

Rin sacrificed so much for this galaxy and the damn thing still wanted her around. Maybe for a cosmic joke or something more profound. Whatever it was, Rin realized how tired she was of everything. Continuing in the Alliance Military was not an option for Rin. She was done with that life. Retiring with Garrus to someplace quiet, like they talked about, sounded like a great idea. Depending on whether or not Garrus still wanted her, of course.

The Alliance knew nothing of Rin’s plans. She'd tell them in time and no matter what they said, Rin couldn't be convinced to change her mind. A life in the military never was the plan, yet almost fifteen years later here Rin was, laying seriously injured in a hospital bed because of that choice to join up at eighteen.

Three days seemed to long to wait for the Normandy to come back home. Rin shot up in bed when she heard Admiral Hackett's voice from just outside the door. The movement caused Rin’s body to spasm in pain, but she ignored it. The Normandy had to be on its way. There was no other explanation for Hackett's sudden appearance.

“How close?” Rin asked as he came through the door. She didn't see the point in bothering with pleasantries. Hackett would have to understand.

Hackett let the corner of his mouth quirk upwards, the closest the Admiral would ever get to smiling. “They’re in Earth’s atmosphere. We’ll be attempting to contact them in a few minutes, Shepard.”

Rin clutched the sheets tightly in anticipation. She hoped for their arrival, but feared it might never come to fruition. The Reapers took so many things from Rin. What would one more thing matter? 

Everything in the world came to a stop when Hackett nodded firmly in Rin's direction, indicating to her that the Normandy was closing in. She waited with baited breath, wishing the trembling would cease. Rin wasn’t sure if it were her nerves or the fact that she had been pushing herself much too hard lately.

“The Alliance reads you loud and clear, Normandy,” Hackett said, pausing briefly to cast a glance in Rin’s direction. “We have someone who wants to say hello to the crew.”

“This is Commander Shepard. Welcome home, Normandy.” Rin’s voice was still raspy. She hadn’t been able to shake the quality since waking up. The comm link faded in and out, giving Rin only bits and pieces of what the crew was saying. None of that mattered to Rin though because the Normandy was finally home.

The moment Admiral Hackett left, Rin was forcing herself to the edge of the bed. A wheelchair hovered close to the bed, something Rin was begrudgingly using without complaint. Rin’s main doctor barged into the room, giving Rin a deep frown.

“Commander--”

Rin scowled. “Don’t fucking Commander me. My crew is back and I’ll be damned if I won’t fucking be there to greet them.”

Another sigh escaped the doctor who seemed able to handle Rin’s personality-- of course, not as well as Karin could. Dr. Karin Chakwas was a one of a kind. 

“Commander Shepard, you are still recovering from life threatening injuries. Let us bring your crew to you.”

She needed to literally suppress a growl, but eventually reluctantly agreed. Rin slumped back down into the bed, tapping her fingers impatiently against the bed. Just when Rin thought she couldn’t wait another second, the door slid open.

Rin let out a shaky breath, a tearful grin spreading across her face. “Long time no see, Garrus.”

To say Garrus looked worse for wear was an understatement. His suit hung off him to much for Rin’s liking, showing clearly how much weight he lost. She waited for him to counter with some banter, but instead Garrus surprised Rin by approaching without a word. For a second he stood hunched over the hospital bed until pressing his forehead against hers.

“Hey it’s okay, big guy. I’m here,” Rin murmured, reaching up to gently brush her hand across the his scarred mandiable. There were plenty of things Rin wanted to say and imagined that Garrus wanted to say, but none of that mattered. She just wanted to enjoy this moment between the two of them before the cavalry AKA Normandy crew came rushing in.

**Author's Note:**

> The full art for the fic.
> 
>  


End file.
